PSALM 73:23, He holds my hand

I don't have the courage to write these past weeks.

My July journal wasn't filled.

I missed my Bible.

Selah.

Yes, there's nothing new with this post, this is still a story of being down I guess.

This pandemic is so real.

It hits me.

I didn't feel like myself the last month.

It seems I am not me.

I was different for many days.

I felt guilty for not spending time with the Lord as I used to be.

I dealt with the everyday as if I am not minding Him.

He was just in my rearview and I didn't try to look closer at Him.

It seems I am so okay outside yet inside I know I am not.

Something is missing, something is falling.

Looks like, I almost lost my footing.

But why I am still here standing?

I guess it's because of His love - no, I know it's His lovingkindness that holds me.

Many things have failed these past months at least for my perspective.

My heart is having its own ups and downs.

Negativity keeps coming back.

Some are from of old, some are new.

Many times I am discouraged - and this month, I think, I gave in.

I miss the old normal.

I miss going out.

I miss the face to face interaction, conversation.

I am tired of the slow internet thing.

I miss touching my friends.

I miss walking freely.

I feel ugly inside our house.

My clothes aren't nice, my hair isn't fixed.

And sometimes, I think I overeat without getting enough movements.

I hate COVID!

It holds our wedding.

It ruined our plans.

These were the things popping on my mind.

I am so negative.

I didn't fight them using His words as my armor.

I know the Bible can answer everything I said, everything I thought.

But I don't know.

I get tired of encouraging myself, I guess.

I allowed other things to feed me just to forget these thoughts, these sentiments.

I decided to just do things that I feel like doing - calligraphy, painting, watching movies, and even chatting and chatting with friends.

I was busy doing these all day.

I had fun.

But at the end of it all, I am not full.

None of these filled me, satisfied me.

I made such good things bad for myself.

My heart isn't at peace.

I don't feel good.

I got to do something.

There's something inside me that is pulling me back to where I'm supposed to be.

And I gave in to that power - the Holy Spirit. 

Psalm 73:21-23

When my heart was embittered and I was pierced within,

Then I was senseless and ignorant;

I was like a beast before You.

Nevertheless I am continually with You;

You have taken hold of my right hand.

Yes, my heart was not right, what I did looks non-sense.

It seems ignorant before the Lord.

What I did was unpleasing before Him.

I looked like a beast - not beautiful before Him.

But though I was like that, He didn't give up on me.

He stayed with me and even more, He kept on holding me.

He has taken hold of my right hand just to keep me from falling, from slipping.

My feet came close to stumbling but the Lord keeps on adjusting.

He widened my steps under me.

Psalm 18:36

You have made a wide path for my feet to keep them from slipping.

The Lord is the Sweetest, He is so Patient.

Truly, His kindness leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4) - It leads me to repentance and now I'm slowly coming back.

Psalm 94:18

If I should say "My foot has slipped" Your lovingkindness O Lord will hold me up.

I am getting well from the inside-out as my life verse became real once again.

Psalm 73:28

But as for me, the nearness of God is my good. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things You do.

Yes, apart from the Lord, nothing would I do would make me feel good nor can be considered good at all.

Hard times are real.

No one is exempted - even Job is included.

I realized it's easy to judge someone's action not realizing that each people have their own battle.

It might be little or simple for some - but to them, it might be the whole world.

If the Lord is so patient, why can't we?

In this world full of many, choose to be kind for some people might be going through something we might know nothing about.

Don't push someone harder.

Job's friends didn't say anything good, anything helpful.

They torment him with their speech, their words crush him (Job 19:2-3).

Believe it or not, prayer is enough.

I believe if someone belongs to the Lord, He Himself will pursue them.

Just be kind.