PSALM 73, I was like a hidden enemy

April 11, 2019 I felt like I am Saul, God. I'm so sorry for being like him. Outside I look kind yet insecurities and envy are killing me inside. I don't want this. Please change me. I don't want to be a hidden enemy of someone. You already won the victory, may it be as well on me. Please help me overcome it.

This was my written prayer back then about my undying issue of envy towards some people. I prayed this after reading 1 Samuel 18:1-16. The background of the story is that Saul gets jealous of David when the women of Israel praise him more than himself as David was victorious in all his battles. From then on, He kept a jealous eye on David which made him like a hidden enemy. Hidden because if we continue to read more chapters from this book of 1 Samuel, we will see that despite being envy, Saul continued to give favor to David.
He made him commander of his army, he became his son-in-law and he even allowed him ate with him at the king's table. Whenever he realized the goodness of David by sparing his life, he likes him for a while yet soon after he will hate him again. His undying envy turned into hatred which made him far from the Lord. Eventually, this led to the fall of his kingdom and dynasty. As for me, yes, I have this struggle and maybe this is my favorite sin because I found myself coming back to it.
I hate it. I know it's not their fault why God made them prosper. It's God's choice, that's how good He is. He gives sunlight to both evil and good and sends rain on the just and unjust alike.
He shows no favoritism. Honestly, I don't hate them. I hate myself feeling this way towards them. I even pity myself for being so weak like this.

So, I can totally relate to Asaph, the psalmist of Psalm 73 (NLT). But as for me, I almost lost my footing.

My feet were slipping, and I was almost gone. For I envied the proud when I saw them prosper despite their wickedness. They seem to live such painless lives; their bodies are so healthy and strong.
They don’t have troubles like other people; they’re not plagued with problems like everyone else. They wear pride like a jeweled necklace and clothe themselves with cruelty. These fat cats have everything their hearts could ever wish for!  They scoff and speak only evil; in their pride they seek to crush others. They boast against the very heavens, and their words strut throughout the earth. And so the people are dismayed and confused, drinking in all their words. "What does God know?” they ask. “Does the Most High even know what’s happening?” Look at these wicked people—enjoying a life of ease while their riches multiply. We know David is a nice person as he was defined as "the man next to God's own heart" while maybe Asaph envied those who are not basically nice persons - yet the issue is not whether I envy someone who is good or bad. The real issue is my heart. I was bitter and was all torn up inside. I was displeasing to the Lord.

I didn't realize this until I enter into His sanctuary. Away from Him makes me full of myself even more and so I have to refocused and stare at His goodness. Yes, at His goodness - not mine, because there is nothing I can see good in me apart from Him. The truth is there will always be someone who will be better than me in any aspect of my life I can name of.
God made it that way and I have nothing to say about it. What I have to do is to renew my mind and direct my heart in the light of the scriptures. Truly, the human heart is the most deceitful of all things, who really knows how bad it is? We have to guard it for everything we do flows from it.
And so I believe that there is no better exercise for the heart than to build and lift someone else up. I have to train it to be less of myself and more of God, not thinking of myself more important than others (Philippians 2:3), not pretending to love them but really love them (Romans 12:9) and taking delight in honoring one another (Romans 12:10). This is not normal for me as my own sinful nature demands to think myself first, it desires to be served more than to serve but if Christ can wash his disciples' feet, I also can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

I cannot guarantee myself to never feel that way again that's why I need Him to fill me.

One thing I learned from this struggle - this is a good exercise for my heart.
Indeed, as for me how good it is to be near God! He is the strength of my heart, my portion forever.